The Columbia University Marching Band


The Cleverest Band in the World™

The Declaration of Constitution


The Columbia University Marching Band

as ratified on the 1st of November, 2018

We the Maggots of Columbia College, Barnard College, The Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Science, The School of General Studies, The French Culinary Institute, and the various affiliated institutions and Graduate Facilities, in order to form more perfect chords, establish humor, ensure the absence of tranquility, provide for the common entertainment, promote the basketball team and secure attendance at football games, and lower the curve in Organic Chemistry, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Cleverest Band in the World™, the Columbia University Marching Band.

Article the 69th

G(tb)² and The Cleverest Band in the World™ shall be the two sacred texts of the Columbia University Marching Band. All decisions regarding the Band must be made in accordance with these principles.

Article the First

We'll take whoever shows up, but to vote in elections, you have to have gone, in uniform, to 2 football games (and at least one practice in each of the weeks leading up to the 2 football games) within the previous year, unless you're special. Specialness is at the discretion of the Bored. To do things like ride the bus and cumb to our meetings, you have to go to one of the above schools, unless you're special. Strap-on genitalia acceptable, even encouraged, but not provided.

The Membership of the Marching Band shall provide for the election of the following officers, elected in the following order, at some point in the week leading up to the Brown football game. These positions cannot be shared. If you need help, delegating responsibilities is not only fine, but encouraged.

Head Manager

Responsible for bureaucratic and managerial side of the Bored. Keep Band running at cost to own personal health, academic record, sanity, and love life. Responsible for scheduling events, keeping the Bored working together, and maintaining communication. Official student representative to Administration, Alumni, and Athletics. Go to the Ivy Bands Conference, but do not take a taxi. Responsible for use of Band's name. Be anal. Not a secretary, slave, or administrative assistant. Thanks you for cumbing.

Drum Major

Responsible for performance. Waves arms. Tights optional. Runs rehearsal. Responsible for helping to find someone to transcribe music. Responsible for the music library. Should know what's going on and when to play. Works with the Poet Laureate on field shows and with Section Leaders about musical direction. Knows when to tweet. Thanks you for cumbing.

Poet Laureate

Responsible for writing the scripts, keeping the old scripts in their "desk drawer". Writes Orgo Night, sponsored by Google Docs, at expense of parental relationships, GPA, sanity, and body hair. Gets sad when stuff gets cut. In charge of planning out formations. Cumbs up with clever euphemisms for "the band now forms a penis." Arranges for someone to get the press pass for each game. Posts said scripts on that Internet thingy. Shoots cumbshots and smears them all over that Internet thingy. Works with Minister of Propaganda to put stuff on that Internet thingy.

Spirit Manager

Responsible for maintaining the Oral Tradition (and we mean oral) at Band events. Literacy not required. Brings the candle. Organizes social gatherings. Passes the hat. Coordinates clean-up.


Tries to figure out how much money we have. Decides how much money to spend, and what to spend it on. Writes the budget. Knows the people at Student Engagement. Knows about FTFs, P-Cards, SFA, purchase orders, approved vendors, “everything, yeah.” Orders bagels. Picks up bagels. Carries bagels. Is frugal. Annually challenges Dean Valentini to a duel until Band budget is restored.

Minister of Propaganda

Responsible for any tree-based products including, posters, creating tri-folds, posting posters, advertising, and recruitment paraphernalia. Cries over print quota. Buys this awesome fluorescent orange postering tape they used to sell at 307 Canal Street. Also responsible for making sure that someone takes care of everything we do on that Internet thingy. Also responsible for making sure that someone takes care of everything we do on that website thingy. Takes video... creepily. Not from the field. Sucks. Knows when to Tweet. The phrase "media whore" just about sums it up.

Personnel Manager

Responsible for Band members. Knows where you left 'em, knows what's wrong with 'em. Hires men with funny accents to go get 'em. Keeps people informed of stuff. Knows the cumb-announcements system like the back of your hand. Does the monkey, forms the Google. Anal Retentive. Calls people. Calls people. Calls people. Makes you cumb. Calls the Cottage. Makes bandies' roommates hate you. Responsible for meeting quota. Births Trashy. Blows Trashy. Buries Trashy. (When you know, you know.) Equipment Manager Arrives at closet time. Responsible for Band-owned instruments, uniforms, and associated hardware. Knows where you left 'em, knows what's wrong with 'em. Hires men with funny accents to go get 'em. Responsible for getting the band’s shit fixed, convincing the treasurer to buy new shit, and convincing alumni to buy new shit. Does not let people get locked in closets. Won't transport your personal junk to and fro the shop. Maintains a working knowledge of equipment inventory. Distributes uniforms and instruments. Not responsible for picking up any equipment at a personal cost and should not use personal funds to pay for equipment. Coordinates closet clean-up. Not the band's bitch. Locks up. Put away your own instrument.

Travel Manager

Responsible for getting the band where it's going. Makes sure other schools know we're cumbing and finds out how long our shows are. Makes sure visiting bands know how to get here and what to do once they arrive. Knows what’s going on with the buses before football season starts. Cleans up the bus. Gets people to host. Knows the weather. It’s never sunny in Philadelphia. E-mails someone. E-mails someone. Calls Academy. Calls Academy. Calls Academy. Goes to an office. Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag. Brings a map. Can read the map. Commiserates with the bus driver. Band aide. Holds the pads. No, we are not there yet.

So who can run, you ask? Anyone who can vote, basically, though we'd like to point out that things like Spirit Manager, Poet Laureate, and Head Manager aren't things first-years are necessarily the best choice for. Anyone you can swindle into doing the job is generally a good choice; if you don’t have to swindle, even better. If you would be terribly hurt by losing an election, you shouldn't run. Nominations can be declined. If you’re curious about nominations, you can wait until election night. If you run for a position and drop out before voting, you’re an asshole and you better have a good reason. If you run for a position knowing you can’t serve a full term, you’re just asshole. Malicious campaigning activities are frowned upon, and anyone who leaves Band because of the way elections go is a jerk. A majority of those in attendance at the election is needed to win. Runoffs should be held as necessary between the top two vote-getters. Candidates who have lost will be brought back into deliberations and voting. What happens in deliberations stays in deliberations. Keep it short and civil. If you cumb to elections, stay until the end lest ye incur the wrath of Johnson.

The Drum Major shall assume their duties at the start of the last Tuesday rehearsal of football season, while all others assume their duties at halftime of the last football game of the season. The new and old managing boreds will work in conjunction until Christmas, or December 25th for you Orthodox Jews. Don’t fuck over the new Bored. The Bored shall meet weekly, preferably before a rehearsal, during football season and at least fortnightly during basketball season. The Bored should meet at least once a month during the rest of the year. Any smartass who asks if summer and winter breaks are "the rest of the year" can fly the Starship Enterprise 3000 fucking miles to California specifically to bite Tom Berman's ass. By the way, you should see how Tom’s doing and invite him to homecoming. It's helpful if the head manager sends an agenda to the Bored prior to each meeting. Minutes and agendas from open Bored meetings should be made available to other band members on request. Bored members show up to everything (see Article the Eleventh). At the end of a Bored's term in office, written short and long term goals should be given to the new Bored. A quorum is six-ninths.

Article the First and Six-Ninths

The Bored will be responsible for reviewing the Bored Procedure for Supporting Members and Maintaining a Safe Environment and signing it four times per semester, as outlined in the document. All band members must sign the Band Expectations and Standards before they are allowed to attend an official band event (i.e. a performance or sporting event). Both documents are to be available on the website and the outlined policies must be strictly upheld.

Article the Second

To ensure the originality of Band Humor, there will be no sanctioned excerpts from Monty Python, Tom Lehrer, Jim Lehrer, Seth McFarlane, "This is Spinal Tap," or anything very science-fictiony. Douglas Adams' works count as "very science-fictiony." Now that "The Simpsons" writers suck floppy donkey dick, it (along with "South Park") is also forbidden. Columbia != Colombia. Should any maggot fall in violation of these terms, they shall be banished to no less than three overnight Magic: The Gathering trips with the Games Club. The use of Top Ten lists in band scripts is strictly forbidden.

Article the Third

The Band will sing on all rides leaving Columbia (except Brown football, unless it happens to be on a Friday night). You will NEVER sing Don McLean. No recorded music shall be played over the PA on bus rides. No flakes will be consumed before the band crosses 125th street (or 110th for trips south, or Frederick Douglass for trips east, or if we drive into the Hudson).

Article the Fourth

Fuck "Knockin."

Article the Fifth

The Band will surf during the percussive interlude in "Wipeout." Also, no citizen will be forced to quarter British soldiers to lodge in their dorm room.

Article the Sixth

Headgear of no kind shall be worn during the official performance of the "Star Spangled Banner," "Soomaaliyeey Toosoo," "ای ایران," "Госуда́рственный гимн Росси́йской Федера́ции," or "Sans Souci," unless proper military protocol is followed. Whales are considered headgear, unless proper military protocol is followed.

Article the Seventh

The Band will perform the night before the Organic Chemistry Final at 11:59 p.m. in the College Reading Room of Butler Library, the Van Am Quad, in front of President Lee (and whoever he's sleeping with)'s house, Wien, the Barnard Quad and Furnald Lawn. Watch out for falling objects. At least a portion of the script must be read at two of the three rehearsals before Orgo Night. No, not just the night of. Whenever a script is read, all feedback and comments from bandies will be considered with equal weight.

Article the Eighth

The Brown Band is a bunch of geeks, but at least Kyle boned the V.P.. Harvard needs to untuck their polo shirts, Yale is garbage and Princeton is merely okay. Dartmouth is a bunch of losers, but they got up to make us pancakes even though we were too drunk to eat them. Cornell (still) needs an enema. And that's everyone. Yep, every other school in the Ivy League.

Article the Eighth and a Half

Brown is a bunch of stoners, but at least Dan boned the drum major. Harvard needs to keep their pants on and their lights off. Princeton is merely okay, and Yale is good for sexting. Dartmouth is a bunch of losers, but they have nice underwear. Cornell STILL needs an enema. And that's everyone. Yep, every other school in the Ivy League.

Article the Eighth and Three-Quarters

Brown is a bunch of ice skating hippies, but at least Sue made out with one of them on a snow penis. Harvard needs to buy toilet paper, Yale is inbred, and Princeton is merely okay. Dartmouth is a bunch of sheep fuckers, but you can trade them sex for an umbrella. Cornell STILL needs an enema. And that’s everyone. Yep, every other school in the Ivy League.

Article the Eighth and Seven-Eighths

Brown is a bunch of letter writing cowards, but at least Max experienced Eggsuite. Harvard needs to actually throw us a fucking party, Yale tries too hard, and Princeton is merely okay. Dartmouth is a bunch of - THIS IS THE HANOVER POLICE DEPARTMENT - but you can see lots of frat boy dick. Cornell STILL needs an enema. And that’s it. Yep, every other school in the Ivy League.

Article the Ninth

Stew Leonard's shall be visited at least once on each trip to the North of New York City. In Connecticut, take I-95 to exit 16, follow the signs to Route 1, and look for the Cow that goes "Moo!". For Cornell, Yonkers is dope. Take I-87 to exit 6A onto Stew Leonard Drive. Take a left at the end of the exit ramp and proceed straight to the top of the hill. YOU CAN'T MISS US!!!

Article the Tenth

You may be winning, but you suck as people (circa 20th Century).

Article the Eleventh

Membership may immediately be revoked. (See Bored Procedure for Supporting Members and Maintaining a Safe Environment.) If you want to throw someone out of something important, like a Bored position, a majority of the Bored must vote at a closed meeting to call an impeachment hearing. The hearing must be announced beforehand and be held at a general band meeting (a "Thursday" meeting if you will). At this hearing, all votes are closed and anonymous. The rest of the Bored (i.e. eight people) has to agree in order for an impeachment to be carried out. Afterward, anyone can call for a vote to overturn the Bored's decision (whichever decision it may be). A six-ninths majority of all present bandies (including the Bored and impeachee) is required to overturn. It is mandatory that the Bored discuss impeachment for any member after they miss two Bored obligations. If someone leaves a position for any reason (for example, impeachment, resignation, death), an election will be held whenever is most convenient but no more than two weeks after the position is vacated. Don't be hasty. The time of the election will be determined by a majority vote of the Bored. In the interim, the Bored will appoint a replacement. After the drama is over, the Bored will tearfully consume impeaches and cream.

Article the Twelfth

The old gigantic bass drum and the sousaphone do not fit through the revolving turnstile-cage-thing at the 215th street subway station.

Article the Thirteenth

Amending this baby. Amendments can be proposed by any plebe, but it takes a six-ninths Managing Bored vote to approve it. If the Band thinks the Bored has just gone out of their respective heads, they can do a veto thing, with a six-ninths majority of all present bandies. That's democracy, folks. A review of the Constitution should be done yearly, near the end of the present Bored's term in office.

Article the Fourteenth

No videos should be watched on the band bus. No headphones should be worn on the band bus. Trust us. But, if you're stupid enough to insist otherwise, watch porn. The majority picks the movie.

Article the Fifteenth

The treasurer and associated lackeys are ABSOLUTEly in charge of getting the bagels, cream cheese, and no-pulp orange juice for the band before football games. Buys water for away trips.

Article the Sixteenth

Necessary appointed, non-Bored positions shall be created at the discretion of the Bored. The band will be notified that a position is open, and anyone can submit nominations. The current appointed positions are: S&M (don’t call it Sketches & Movies), under the auspices of the Poet Laureate ; Section Leaders (at least 4 must be appointed: brass, woodwind, percussion, and miscie) and Music Librarian, under the auspices of the Drum Major; and Webmaster, under the auspicious genitalia of the Minister of Propaganda. If you're appointed to a position and you don’t show up, you’re asshole. Positions may be immediately terminated with a Six-Ninths Bored vote.

Article the Sixteenth and a half

The Bored appoints section leaders in order to make the band sound good and help keep things organized. Section leaders should make sure that their section has the necessary music, lead sectionals as necessary, make sure that one person from the section is in attendance at every game, and make every effort to attend all events themselves. In return, the Bored will occasionally pamper section leaders and consider their carnal prowess the stuff of legends.


Article the Seventeenth

If you play the trumpet, you’re probably an asshole. If you play trumpet, but you're a miscie, you're definitely an asshole.

Article the Eighteenth

Keep your damn frat shit out of our band. Non-frat frat shit is still frat shit.

Article the Nineteenth

Article the twelfth is hereby repealed.

Article the Twentieth

Chris Lee is a trooper.

Article the Twenty-first

Stealing underwear = important.

Article the Twenty-second


  1. Whereas, Beer is cheapest at the beer distributor at 207th st e.g. Natty Ice, but, when you can afford it, tap the Rockies. Taste tests have proven that it is superior to Coors Light. Live the High Life. Get Crazy.
  2. Whereas, Appletree Crackdel is not allowed to card for beer and the liquor store at 124th and Broadway doesn't care.
  3. Whereas, The liquor store at Baker Field is at Broadway and 207th St.
  4. Whereas, Take 1 2-liter bottle of coke. Drink to label. Fill with choice of 80 + proof liquor. Either Boca Chica or Jim Beam is your best bet.
  5. Whereas, At least 30% of the Band must be drinking on any Band trip or the bus must immediately turn around and go home. The Band must immediately be disbanded. You may not pass GO or collect $200. The Jackie Robinson Marching Band The Roar Zone is thereafter responsible for all halftime entertainment.
  6. Whereas, "Ladled, ladled, ladled."
  7. Whereas, Drink to forget the scores. Trust us.
  8. Whereas, Don't be obvious about drinking in uniform and never drink in the dugout. These are very costly mistakes.
  9. Whereas, The last row of seats on the Band bus is reserved for an open bar on all away trips.
  10. Whereas, J is for Juggy!
  11. Whereas, K is for a Keg from Stew's!
  12. Whereas, You don't ever have to drink, but all the cool kids are doing it.

Article the Twenty-third

Do not expect a reimbursement. Ever.

Article the Twenty-fourth

Article the fourth is hereby repealed.

Article the Twenty-fifth

Try to perform at the following events: Class Act, the Underground Tour at Orientation, Performance Showcase at Orientation (fuck the mermaid), Jews on Bikes, all football games, Basketball Mania, the Halloween Parade, the library, all men's and women's home basketball games, April Fools Day, Tax Day, The Persian Parade, Days on Campus the Yiddish Cabaret, the library (again), and Alumni Weekend. Never again ask Len Fine or Ronald Breslow if you can play in his Chemistry class. You are invited and encouraged to attend. Play at as many other sports games as you can. We used to do Barnard Founders' Day, but that's up to you. Letterman Colbert every twenty years. If you're gonna get paid, you should probably do it. Whatever you do, make as much noise as possible.

Article the Twenty-sixth

Steve should go to Hell.

Article the Twenty-sixth and a half

FUCK YOU DESMOND COLE. You know what you did.

Article the Twenty-seventh

If you don't know, ask Jeremy Lopez.

Article the Twenty-eighth

Sorry, Steve.

Article the Twenty-ninth

If you can play tenor sax and snare drum, but you play cowbell, you're an asshole - unless you dramatically improve Cornell's field show.

Article the Thirtieth

LeBron James can't dance, and Regis can never die.

Article the Thirty-first

Fuck Fordham. Masturbate Monmouth. Wank Wagner.

Article the Thirty-second

A set of closet keys must permanently reside in New York, in case of hurricane.

Article the Thirty-third

The Band shall carry the national flag of Somalia onto the field for the pregame and halftime show against Harvard every year.

Article the Thirty-fourth

Fight for next year's Ivy League Championship in field hockey (parenthetical) (wait, we can actually still win it this year) (end parenthetical) and for the ghost tears of Sean Brackett's grandmother's ghost tears ghost tears ghost tears (ad nauseum). FIGHT! Sponsored by McDonalds. Thank you Garrett you were a wonderful host, even if you might have looked at my penis and some girl butts, but it doesn't matter, we kinda liked it. FIGHT! Sponsored by Chile, sponsored by Five Hour Energy unless Layla has anything to say about it. FIGHT!

Article the Thirty-fifth

No Santa, the Bored can’t vote to disband the band. BOO BOO TRASH #CANCELLED

Article the Thirty-sixth

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Article the Thirty-seventh

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