CUMB | Bored
The Columbia University Marching Band was once an entirely student-run organization. Now the Band is a protectorate of Teacher's College, and repeated plebicites have yet to allow it to become a fully autonomous entity. Drew Coles is the Band Faculty Director. However, Home Rule is still organized by the managing bored:
Elizabeth “band dad” Pudel - BC ‘18
After spending a year as drum major, few people would have retained enough sanity to return as Head Manager, but Liz is one of those people. Or at least she’s the only one we could swindle into pretending. Liz is a Sociology major which means that she likes to argue, to the chagrin of the administration. She’s also a classically trained saxophonist, pianist, and guitarist, which means we are all confused as to why she is in the band in the first place. Tenor sax being her principle instrument, Liz can frequently be found playing snare. As Head Manager, Liz loves us all enough to deal with administrative bullshit so we don’t have to. You can spot Liz anywhere on campus by her “Barnard Dad” hat, which we all agree she should probably wash at some point in her life.
Dylan “WATCH ME” Sachs- BC ‘18
Dylan Sachs has previously served as CUMB’s equipment manager and is now back as Drum Major, being treated to a band who never watches her for tempo and an athletics department that is infatuated with playing mediocre pump up music. Dylan is an English major and a double Econ and Environmental Science minor. Dylan is also on the board of The Federalist, the only other club at Columbia that comes close to CUMB’s level of clever. Most days you can find Dylan in the Alpha Chi Omega brownstone (keep your frat shit out of the band) while rocking a tweed blazer, riding boots, and eyeliner winged as far as the eye can see. Dylan listens to The Beach Boys all year round, and is the most ready to do a keg stand at any moment. And she got a 5 on her AP Music Theory exam.
Julia “that’s not funny” Arredondo - BC ‘19
Julia was chosen as the possessor of the best butt in band by both Betsy and, presumably, by her girlfriend (though honestly we’ve never thought to ask the latter). She’s pursuing a Political Science major with a French minor, which means that she is a savant who can critique the fools who ask her to please R.S.V.P to events, saying “au contraire” to their faux pas. Menage a trois. Julia can also be found at the Barnard Greenhouse, where she waters the plants, sweeps, and screams at bugs. As the Poet Laureate, Julia practices reading scripts and telling jokes to her suite mate’s dog in the hopes of maintaining her status as funniest person in the band. The dog never reacts, but it’s good training for when delirious spectators miss the Orgo Night punchlines.
Alex “Chanel #7” Parkhurst- CC ‘19
Call her “Chanel.” Call her “Seven.” Call her “Chanel No. 7.” But don’t call her “Number,” unless you want her to cut all your hair off while you sleep (including eyebrows). She’s majoring in Mathematics (that’s “math” for all you humanities folks) and Computer Science AND concentrating in Business Management—in other words, she’s majoring in “Over-Achiever.” Chanel’s motto as Spirit Manager is “Every shot life gives you should be taken.” In addition to CUMB, Chanel is a member of the Columbia Women’s Business Society- which means she means business. Chanel also works at the Visitor’s Center, which means that she knows some useless facts about Columbia. She can be found at 1020 on any given Tuesday, or Butler on any given night that isn’t Orgo Night.
Izzy “will look through your shit” Terraciano - BC ‘19
Besides being a bold beautiful Barnard bandie, Izzy (actually a Godless heathen) studies religion. You can most likely find her doing normie Barnard activities like wall-twerking all over Diana and spending quality time with her vibrators. As Treasurer, Izzy works to increase accessibility so that all bandies can have fun despite the crushing capitalist system. She makes sure we have money to spend on the important stuff, like cheese. She is our sugar momma and we love her for it. PLEASE BUY US A SEX SWING!
Minister of Propaganda
Ximena “jfmu” Aparicio - CC ‘19
Ximena is a Columbia College sophomore majoring in Econ and Political Science with a concentration in Computer Science. We’re not quite sure what about politics is scientific, but that’s a rant for a different website. Ximena describes herself as a “Barnard student trapped in a CC body” and hangs out in Diana to try to convince everyone of this fact. As Minister of Propaganda, Ximena is tasked with convincing the world of how great the CUMB truly is, and blames the fake media for the lack of coverage. You can generally find her on Tinder, where she receives a surprising number of messages asking if she sells cocaine. (The answer is no, in case this gave you any ideas.)
Jane “friendliest freshman” Poss- CC ‘20
Jane is a freshman in Columbia College majoring in Anthropology and Linguistics (good luck getting a job). Jane is from South Dakota and has a 4.5 rating on farmersonly.com. In her free time she likes digging for bones in central park, touching dead people in Schermerhorn, and lurking in the bushes outside steve buscemi's apartment. Her life's goal is to become top gay and she is willing to kill in order to do so. Jane is also a trained EMT and knows how to amputate limbs, so watch out. As personnel manager Jane is dedicated to always creating a fun environment for bandies, she truly is the friendliest freshman. Oh, and fill out the damn survey, fucksticks.
Vivian “band mom” Klotz- BC ‘20
Vivian is a first-year, which means she doesn’t have a personality yet. She might be majoring in environmental policy, because there’s nothing she loves more than hugging trees even though it gives her splinters. As equipment manager, Vivian makes sure that the band’s equipment is in working order by blowing it personally. She also must have a working knowledge of how to fix a wet floor sign. Vivian enjoys sitting in on classes “just to learn” and takes tango dancing classes in her spare time- in other words, she’s pretty weird.
Betsy “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrKMiE9WII0” Ladyzhets- BC ‘19
I am so happy that Betsy— i love betsy (@ILOVEBETSYL) December 6, 2016
i'm here to love betsy and kick ass..... and i'm all out of ass— i love betsy (@ILOVEBETSYL) December 8, 2016
um honestly when the fuck will the rest of the world realize how Damn Amazing betsy is ??????— i love betsy (@ILOVEBETSYL) December 17, 2016
Betsy is an English and Biology double major in the College (Barnard College, that is). She has a robust knowledge of gay anime fan fiction, Shakespearean insults, and All Star remixes. As someone who does The Most™, on a typical day, she can be found writing multiple Bwog posts, going to a Wind Ensemble rehearsal, or editing a Barnard student’s paper. As travel manager, Betsy is charged with cleaning up rental busses, which bandies have puked both in and on, but don't ask her about it unless you have an exceptionally strong stomach.