If it's in the quotes,

It Must Be True!

Yes, folks, it's the band quotes. Painstakingly compiled over the course of the season by the DUMB secretary and presented to the band at the conclusion of the annual New York trip, where we actually get to spend three whole days in that amazing city. You'll never find a greater collection of sexual innuendo and twisted meanings. So read on! The band quotes are the intentional and misspoken utterings of the membership of the DUMB, reported through the secretaries' networks of underground agents, i.e. fellow bandies, for historical documentation. We ain't making this stuff up, kids. Read 'em yourselves:

Chris Hodgson to Emily Copeland: "Just close your eyes and stick it in your mouth"

Ben Sweetser: "You don't rub hard enough!"
Ben Sweetser: "Oh, now it's up there, see, you needed to rub harder."
Jen Peters (5 mins later): "And it's still up there!!!"
Ben Sweetser: "You're not going to get it to stay up there like that."

Dave Coleman: "Will you have sex with me?"

Colin Dean to Dan Kempf: " Push in, pull out, push in, pull out!"

Ben Sweetser: "New York's a great place to get some"

Rena Chicklas to Karen Thickman: "Mike Brewer helped me reach orgasm last night..." [true story]

Lori 'Warm up the band!' Buono: "Let me get my pants off, then we can go have sex."

Tuni Bergey to Jeff Bogue: "Take your pants off and let's have sex."

Dave Coleman to Karen Thickman: "Well, mine was short, not as long as Sclove's, but hey, I make up for in intensity what I lack in size"

Max Culpepper to alumni and directorate: "We can all head over to Karen's bedroom and have sex with her."

Dan Kempf to Karen Wenner: "Don't tempt me, I can have sex all night!"

Mike Brewer to Ben Sweetser: "I like having sex."

Tim McCann to Tony Field: "I showed Jackie my schlong..."

Michelle Gregg to Rob Puckett: "Fellatio? Sure, what the heck."

Curt Dozier to Rebecca Chandler: "So can we get naked tonight or what?"

Rusty Young to Tiffany Downing: "Will you rub K-Y all over me?"
Tiffany replied: "No"
Rusty replied: "I'll have sex with you".
She walked away.

Adam Weinstein to Tim Redl: "We'll use yours, unless you go to my room and think my handcuffs and bullwhip are better."

Marc Sikkes to Karen Thickman: "I like exploring and looking for new and more ticklish places, such as the inner thigh."

Dan Kempf to Show Co.: "I have a huge erection right now."

Karen Wenner to Band: "Couldn't you think of a better thing to have your leg covered in? Like semen?"

Bill Congdon: "I have a blue testicle."

Dave Markham to Tony Field: "Lauren's quiet, but equally impressive. For example, check out her ass."

Keith Broughton to Lori Buono: "Do you swallow?"

Dan Kempf: "I wonder who would have sex with me."

Jen Gagne to Adam Mirick: "I'm not stopping anytime soon. I can bop on your schmeckel 'till dawn."

Jeff Bogue: "I guess I'll just strip and get into bed with Dave. Got any vaseline?"

Adam Mirick: "I'm easy to please, all it takes is heat bandages."

"Your penis is not hard enough!"
- Karen Wenner

"I grease my penis up and I shove it in even harder" - Dave Coleman

"I want you to hurt me and bite me and make me suffer and have sex with me"
- Our Director, Max Culpepper

"I like having sex!"
- Neesha Ramchandani

"I don't care what you do with your penis, just as long as it doesn't fall down"
- Karen Thickman to Mark Landis

"I guess I'm sitting in the right position to have sex"
- Karen Thickman to Jen Peters

"'Cause I just can't fit this whole penis in my mouth. Crap, I was performing so well."
- Josh Marks

"You have to have sex with just the bottom part."
- Neesha Ramchandani

"14 inches of penis - you must be proud" and
"And I love every inch of your penis!"
- Jen Gagne

"My penis was long, hot, wet, and fun"
- Rusty Young

"I like sex short and painful"
- Tim Redl

"I don't know what's in my penis. It feels good when I bite it, and it tastes like real meat."
- Glen Frank

"No, have sex with her."
- Sal Spataro

"No, he has sex with ME."
- Sal Spataro

"I don't want to have sex well, because I can't do it loudly"
- Mark Wenzel

"We have to go 3 yards in to really have sex."
- Adam Weinstein

"That's why my lips hurt so much. It's all this sex I've been having."
- Jen Peters

That's all for now! Hope you enjoyed it.

Disclaimer: This page is a spoof. Do not sue the Columbia University Marching Band. These people did not necessarily say these things.