The Resistance

"I run this band.
Me. ME!"
"Who the hell do you think you are? You are nothing."
Welcome to the secret headquarters of the Yale Resistance. Right now, our band is under the control of Thomas C. Skywalker-Vader, otherwise known as Darth Duffy, otherwise known as Supreme Commander of the Dark Side, otherwise known as Bodacious Betty. We are desperately trying to hold on to our tradition, our way of life, but his forces of evil are overwhelmingly powerful. He has received formal combat training at the Cornell Galactic Academy and has experience at a maximum security prison. [note: this is not a joke - see for yourself] Our soldiers are dying, we don't know how much longer we will be able to continue fighting. He has already destroyed three planets, wiped out six civilizations, and turned our band into a hollow shell of what it once was. All attempts at rebellion have been crushed. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.